My Vikings SUCK

So its December, which must mean that its suck-time for my Vikes.  We've lost 2 out of 3 so far, and both losses were in horrifically-embarrassing fashion. 

Yeah, we'll be in the playoffs, but right now, I don't feel too good about our chances.  That's the thing about the NFL though.  One loss and the sky is falling.  One win and things are back to normal.  Its kinda screwy like that, and the way it plays with your emotions is the worst part. 

If anyone wants to make me feel better, I accept PayPal.  I ain't bullshittin'. 

Nothing Sucks???

Of course I didn't forget about the blog.  Its just that...

well...

uh...

I don't have too much to complain about right now???

I know, it makes about as much sense as the picture above right? 

For anyone that knows me, I'm a complainin' motha fucka!  I know it! Its ok.  I'm at peace with that. 

And actually, the outcome of the Vikings game last Sunday night sucked yak balls, and the injury to EJ Henderson was horrible, but I'm not gonna spend too much time whining about that here.  I mean, what do you think I do, spend all day thinking of shit to post on this suck ass blog? 

So anywho, suck on this.  You stay classy Jersey. 

The Washington Redskins SUCK

Well, I don't know quite what to say about this one. 

I'm not a linguologist, but there's a word that describes a team that has everything going in their favor but fails to deliver the knockout blow...

...CHOKERS.

You don't even have to follow football to know what choking is. 

The Redskins had the undefeated Saints on the ropes LATE in the 4th quarter and choked the game away in unbelievable fashion.  I'm not gonna go into details about why I need the Saints to lose.  Any up-to-date NFL fan knows the sitch. 

I don't even wanna begin to think about what Skins fans are feeling right about now.  Their season was in the shitter anyway so they're probably all passed out drunk right now.  That's right babies, happy juice make pain go bye bye. 

The media age we live in kinda sucks

There may or may not be a message here.  Don't think about it too much.  Just remember that I'm the victim here!

If you haven't been hanging out with Bud the CHUD, you're probably familiar with the Tiger Woods bit.  At first, this story was distant and insignificant to me, like death.  But now, its everywhere, and it got me... ME!  (I know, I couldn't believe it either, right?)  And I hate that I let myself get sucked into it.

I think I got sucked in b/c this story started to take up valuable talk time on sports talk radio that would've normally been used discussing more important things, like the NFL.  Its not really a sports story, it just involves a popular sports figure.  But since I'm too lazy to often change to a non-sports channel, I indulged. 

And that's part of what I hate about the media age we live in. 

Toss aside the fact that the media sucked on this one until Tiger decided to cut a vein and give them a few drops to pacify their vampire whore mouths, its the fact that stories like this have become lead stories on the local news or front page material in the newspaper...and taken up valuable airspace on my all-important sports talk shows!

To a lesser extent, Terrell Owens/Pac Man Jones shenanigans has gotten far more media attention than it should've in recent years.  And every time, I can't help but wonder if there aren't more substantive things that should be covered?  Like the Iraq bit, bastard moles that dig up my backyard, or how great it'll be when the Saints lose?

I don't think there's an "answer" to solve my "problem" with this, but if a meteor the size of the moon lightly grazed our planet, it would be a start.

The New England Patriots SUCK

Usually, on the big stages, Bill Belli-cheat and Tom Brady Fady usually rise to the occasion and pull out a win that makes the rest of the NFL hate them.  Last night, they couldn't even beat one little undefeated team!  Not only, that, but they gave up with 5 minutes left in the game by pulling Fady/Moss?  SUCK, SUCK, THEN QUIT!??

If you're a Vikings fan, you'll know what this is about.  If not, this is a good time for you to learn football.  Patriots = SUCK.  That's all you really need to know right now.

The NFL Halftime Show is going to SUCK

Ugh.  Ever since the Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction" thingy occurred, the NFL has gone way conservative in deciding who's going to perform at their shitty halftime shows.  Can't say that I blame them, but The Who???  Fucking ridiculous.  I thought the idea of Superbowl halftime shows was to give people incentive to watch? 

There are sooooo many reasons why this is a bad idea.  First of all, I represent a popular demographic that regularly watches NFL games.  And reanimating dead members of a rock group that peaked in the 60's/70's doesn't exactly excite anyone under the age of 45.  (FYI, I'm not close to 45.) I can stomach rock, but fossil rock doesn't appeal to my demographic. 

I don't care if The Who still "packs em in" in concert, giving the world stage to a band that is no longer relevant and interesting to the current NFL players and a large chunk of the fan base alienates said chunk.

I don't know who green-lit this decision, but they couldn't have watched last year's halftime show.  Old dudes can't "rock" anymore.  Try to contain your amazement as Bruce shitily handles this guitar!  Is this shit impressive to anybody??? (Skip to :08 seconds in if you want to save :07 seconds of your life) 



And if decency was ever the issue (see above-referenced Janet Jackson thingy), this doesn't help... Boss crotch:

Wildlife SUCKS

Why did I take a picture of this mound of dirt?  Because its in my backyard, which isn't supposed to contain a mound... make that several mounds of dirt, but it does!

There are plenty of ways I planned to spend my Saturday afternoon, but trying to kill a mole/gopher wasn't one of them.  I tried to drown it, but I'm not sure if that did the trick.

I'll be sure to post pictures of it's shovel-busted head when I kill it.

The Cenral FL auto show SUCKS

The annual Central FL Auto Show came to town this week, and its level of suck grew a this year.  There were quite a few car manufacturers that apparently said "I ain't brinin' mah shit to yo' shit!!"  Nissan, Jaguar, Audi gave us the middle finger apparently.

Many of the ones that did show up just mailed it in.  Mini comes to mind.  Does Mini do ANYTHING for next year's car?  I imagine they spend 8 minutes discussing new color options for the next year and voila... 2010 Mini's are done baby!

There was a section of the car show with some custom exotics on display, but that section was the suckiest bunch of suck that ever did suck!  All the cars were roped off in one section and you couldn't even walk within 5 feet of them.  WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF THAT?  We mustn't disturb the delicate genius that is this Lamborghini Diablo!  Watch in awe from afar bitches!

It wasn't all suck though.

Lexus' display was pretty nice as they showed off their new hard top convertible IS C10.

There was a pretty nice muscle car display.  

Ford didn't bring that same old chrome concept car they've been bringing the last 2-3 years. Although for some reason, they didn't bring the new GT500.  Why? 

I got to see a ZR-1 up close, but the bitch was locked, which prevented my $121,000 get away from the rest of the suck.  The awesomeocity of the ZR-1 CANNOT be overstated.

Chevrolet also had a Stingray concept at the show.  This car was like one of those girls you see at the club that looks bangin' from across the room, but just when you're about to do what stalkers do to their prey, you discover her membership to Butterfaces of America (BOA). 

While waiting for my wife to come out of the crapper, I heard a passing couple's conversation about the show...

She: "Glad we didn't pay fer dat.  I woulda been mad."
He: "Gets lamer every year.  I still like comin' though."

In retrospect, I'm not sure if he was talking about the auto show or something else.

This place SUCKS

I'll admit, its one of the better public service offices I've been to, but its set up to be this faux technologically current operation with monitors showing your place in line... like the Genius Bar at the Apple Store... but instead of having college students, gays, and rich people, its filled with the exact opposite.  

Also, massage therapy courthouses NEVER work!

This car really SUCKS

If a nerd had sex with a female van, and that van gave birth to a car, it would be this.  There's a lot of shit wrong with this car.  Don't spend too much time eye-fucking yourself with this picture.  Just know that a guy that likes dudes who shoot laser-beam swords at his left-front tire is definitely crazy.

Pets SUCK

Yeah, you heard me.  They suck.

Yeah we love em n' shit but they suck because of all the pissin' n' pewpin' on your carpets.  I can take going on my floor b/c that's pretty easy to clean.  But going on my carpets is some fuckery!  And this is from animals that are "house broken".  Imagine me making air quotes with my fingers when I say - house broken.  Oh?  You knew the deal with that already?  Well why the fuck did you piss on my carpet know-it-all?

BTW, if you are offended by cursing, you probably shouldn't have read this.

The "P" word...

I've been looking forward to doing this for a while now, just been procrastinating... (you weren't expecting another "p" word were you?) which is something that sucks, but I'm sure everyone probably knows this already.  Its something I've done all my life.  Has anything good EVER come out of procrastination?  Probably.

Yeah, I'll probably sound like someone that hates just about everything, I like some crap and this will be my voice to talk about the parts that suck about the stuff that I like and other crap that sucks generally.  Check back daily... or every other day... or whenever the hell.